Good Morning Wagstaff Family!

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is currently working on a house in Gainesville. They knocked on the Wagstaff family home on Monday while we were in Las Vegas. When I found out who the family was last night, I honestly got chills! Ethan and I had the pleasure of meeting the Wagstaff family two years ago at their business Studio Percussion. They use to have a class one morning called Kids Love Drums where the kids could come in and bang on the drums, listen to music, etc. Ethan and I only were able to go once before they had to cancel the class due to poor attendance. But the day that Ethan and I went, we were the only people there...we were met by Jill and Larissa Jolene, (who had a wonderful time playing with Ethan)! Jill had to leave shortly after we arrived and Tobin came in and hung out and played with Ethan and I. Ethan had just started walking and as everyone remembers was quite the handful! I was so nervous about him "destroying" something, but Tobin looked at me and said "I'm a dad and have boys...he doesn't scare me, let him have fun"! And that Ethan did...he had a blast that day at Studio Percussion playing with the Wagstaff family! I will never forget that day! I am certain Ethan never did! It is totally amazing to me that not only have I met this family before, but that one day in E's short little life they brought him extreme joy!

http://www.arkextremebuild.com/about-the-family.php

Welcome Ty Pennington!

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is coming to Gainesville!! The door knock date is set for December 7th and the big "move that bus" date is schedule for December 14th. MOPS was asked to take part in this incredible event, so several of us will be doing some volunteer work next week to help make a dream come true for a local family (who we will meet for the first time in 5 days)! I am sooo very excited that I was chosen to volunteer. I will be volunteering for one six hour shift on Sunday, December 13th. I may very well be doing something like picking up trash, but I am thrilled beyond words to take part!! This morning Grant and I attended the pep rally, which left me even more inspired!

Eight months ago our lives forever changed in a spilt second, and our community came together to give us "hope"! I continue to be amazed at the outpouring of love and generosity shown to our family, and I am thankful to be able to share some of that with someone else. I am know this will be the BEST ever Extreme Home Makeover!

Welcome to Gainesville CBS, Extreme Home Makeover, and Ty Pennington! The Gator Nation will not disappoint you!

That's True L-O-V-E!

So Grant is playing on the floor and randomly starts laughing, from previous experience as a mommy I have learned that usually means "trouble". I look over at him to find Visken licking spit-up off his face...either Visken is really over this "diet" he is on or that is true L-O-V-E!

What do I say?

Jake's mom called last night and we started talking about the upcoming holidays. She said she hasn't even thought about decorating her house for Christmas (which I must say is shocking, because she LOVES decorating for Christmas). I then shared with her that last Thanksgiving Jake, Ethan, and I put up the Christmas tree together. Ethan was so stunned that there was a tree in the living room. The next morning he was still in awe and kept saying "tree, lights"? Jake's mom then apologized for bring up something that must be so painful for me to remember. This is what I told her in response, but I wanted to share it with all of you because I realize there must be times that some of you are afraid to share things with me because you don't want to cause me more pain. I am really-really-really grateful that I still have wonderful Ethan stories to share. It is good for me to talk about him and unfortunately the only way Grant will ever get to know about his big brother is by telling these stories. I never want this to stop, for then it will be as if Ethan has been forgotten from the hearts of others. So please don't ever be afraid to share something with me or our family, and don't ever apologize. A story about Ethan or something that happened to cause you to think of him helps us know how very much he is still loved and touched the lives of others! Thank you all for loving us through the worst moment of our lives.

America's Next Top Baby

Well we did something crazy on Saturday and took Grant to his first open casting call. A friend of mine that I met through MOPS though is the editor for Giggle, which is a local family and parenting magazine. Grant woke up no more than 5 minutes before he had his pictures taken with the photographer, but he was happy and smiling as always. It will be interesting to see if he gets a "call back" to be in the magazine. Seriously they would be crazy not to pick him though! Maybe he will be our ticket to early retirement? :-)

On a side note as we were leaving the casting call, a group of teenage boys were riding bikes through the parking lot and one said "man, that is a cute baby"! How many teenage boys call any baby cute?

Jam Session

Who needs "Rock Band" when you have a pot, spoon, and baby piano. Super G jamming out!

Headstone

We went to visit a place yesterday that does custom headstones. I knew right from the moment we got there that this was going to be "the place". The outside lot was filled with very unique, absolutely beautiful headstones; many of the stones were either hand carved or engraved. Inside we met with a wonderful woman who told us right away that she too had lost a child and when she started working there they basically had only a handful of options to show grieving parents. She now has put together a book filled with incredible examples of what they can do for a child's headstone. We also met with the owner and talked with him about getting granite from Minnesota. We could tell he had been in the business for awhile as he started naming types of granite that come from Minnesota off the top of his head. One of them that he mentioned was rainbow granite, which he said is a "very unique stone, full of movement...no two pieces are alike". That was it! We knew instantly that was the stone we wanted. We talked with them about a few ideas that we had and are now waiting for him to draw something up for us. The girl in the office said that usually takes a couple of weeks as he puts some thought and time into his designs. I am quite certain just from what he was describing and what we have seen of his work that it will be as perfect as a headstone for E could be.

I still would have chosen you.

My many thanks to an old friend for sharing this beautiful poem with me. Even if I had known that my time with E would have been so very short and today that I would hurt to the very depths of my soul...I would still have chosen Ethan. Please don't ever feel sorry for me, as I firmly believe this was God's plan. I will be forever blessed that God picked me to be Ethan's mommy and will spend the rest of my life sharing his message and spirit with others.

If before you were born I could have gone to Heaven to see all of the beautiful souls,

I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me that this soul would one day need extra care,

I still would have chosen you.

If He had told me that one day this soul may make my heart bleed,

I still would have chosen you.

If He had told me that this soul would make me question the depth of my faith,

I still would have chosen you.

If He had told me that this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river,

I still would have chosen you.

If He had told me that our time spent together here on Earth could be short,

I still would have chosen you.

If He told me that this soul may one day make me endure overbearing suffering,

I still would have chosen you.

If He had told me that all that I know to be normal would drastically change,

I still would have chosen you.

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you.

Thank you, God, for allowing me to be his Mommy.

Author Unknown.

Visken

Well two weeks ago now, we had a health scare with Visken. Just after Jake left for work one morning, he started vomiting blood. After a very frantic phone call to our awesome friend-vet, Julie, she told me to put him in the car and head to the vet school at UF (which is where she works). Long, long story short...Visken ended up having his gall bladder removed. He is doing much, much better and hopefully well on the road to recovery. He should have his stitches removed later today. Our family is eternally grateful to Julie and the vet school for the wonderful care and love they have shown to Visken.

"Dog"

Well it seems as if Grant loves his dog (and sign language) as much as his big brother. The first word Grant signed..."dog"!

Ethan's fish

Initially we were unsure what to do with the money that we had received from Ethan's memorial, but knew that when E was ready he would guide us into making the right decision. What follows is the story our senior minister Dan Johnson wrote to our congregation. We hope Ethan's spirit and joy for life blesses that area always. (My angel, Ethan- Your dad and I will wait patiently for your next "decision". I am so very proud of you! We are truly honored that you trust us to share your message with others and we promise we will continue to share your message until we meet again! I love you, beautiful angel child- Mommy)

Dear Friends,

Let me tell you a story, a true story, about a most wonderful little boy named Ethan. When he was born, his Mom exclaimed: "That's an angel if ever I've seen one." Ethan warmed the hearts of all in a room with his contagious smile. He loved Curious George and didn't like naps - too much to do. He loved music and Sinatra was his favorite, even though he was only two. Unbeknown to his family he had a congenital birth defect that, one day, out of the blue, took his young life. Overwhelming sadness swept over his family, as you can imagine. But the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and CMT (Children's Ministry Team) surrounded Ethan's Mom and Dad with unrelenting love and helped them through. That was in April of this year.

Fast forward to now. When I was visiting a church in Houston, I noticed a salt water aquarium in the children's wing; it was surrounded by awe-filled children. I thought then and there that it would be wonderful for our Trinity children to have something similar in our new building, so, when Troy asked for a list of things we needed for the new building, I added a salt water aquarium, not knowing if anyone would even consider such a gift.

The day the list was received by the congregation, Ethan's Mom, Rebecca Tillman, came into my office. "I hope it’s not too late to speak up for the aquarium? My husband and I would like very much to pick that item." Sensing that this was about more than just an aquarium, I said, "Tell me about it." Rebecca began to share. "You know how energetic Ethan was." I said, "Oh yes!" "Well, whenever he would get upset to the point that we just couldn't get him to calm down, we would pack him up in his car seat and drive him to Pet Smart. He would head straight to the aquarium section and watching those beautiful fish would calm him right down. We would like to purchase the aquarium as a reminder of Ethan, and every time we come by there and see children watching the fish, we will thank God for our Ethan, our beautiful angel child." By this time, we were both crying and holding each other. Oh my!

Rebecca also said that her grandmother had embroidered a beautiful quilt of Noah's Ark to hang over Ethan's bed. Of course, the new aquarium is now positioned under the mural of Noah's Ark in the Children's wing of the Education Building.

So, each time you walk by Ethan's aquarium, say a prayer for Rebecca and Jacob, and now their little son, Grant, and always thank God for Ethan, Beautiful Angel Child.

Love and Prayers, Dan

Lemons!

I have been horrible about blogging again. Sorry! I don't even know why, as I love to write. Maybe it is because even though Grant brings us an incredible amount of joy, the first stories I shared here were Ethan stories and I so miss sharing stories of him. I will try once again to get better about sharing things as Grant is beginning to show more of his personality.

One of Ethan's favorite foods was LEMONS! He took after me, because I too love lemons!! While we were out for dinner the other night Jake said, "I wonder if Grant will like lemons as much as his big brother?". Well he gave it a try and the result...he loves lemons as much as his big brother and mom. It took him 3 or 4 attempts before he finally made that "sour face", but even after that he continued to want more!

Our Strength

I am still amazed at how many (and how often) people think of our family. I am in awe by how many acts of kindness continue towards us. I am blown away by the stories and ways in which peoples lives have changed because of E- some who never even had the honor to meet him. It has been over 7 months since God returned our angel to heaven. 7 months already...and still these things are present.

People still stop me and ask how Jake and I have remained so strong. I assure you we have moments when we are not "strong". Just in the last few weeks I came home from the grocery store in tears, unable to even bring the groceries in the house. As Grant gets older, I see more and more of E in him and I cry at times flooded with memories of what was and all that could have been. But in these moments where we are "strong", it is because of the ways in which God has and continues to bless us. Through the darkest moments that have come, God has shown us that we are loved and not alone. Many of you, without even knowing it, have done what you thought was something "little", but to us came on a day when we needed a "sign" from God. I truly believe it was the hands of God (and maybe even our angel E) that told you to pick up the phone, send us an email, a text, bring dinner, recommend a book or article, send a gift for Grant, pray, etc. etc. It is because of this that I am able to get out of bed everyday. It is because of this that I am able to play peek a boo and laugh with Grant.

A few days ago someone shared this story with me. He said he came home from a long day at work, a car full of groceries. When he walked through the door his kids went running past him "daddy come find us, come find us" as they were off to hide. He said out of my mouth came "not now guys, I have a whole trunk full of groceries". He said immediately after saying that he thought of E and put the groceries down and ran after his kids. He said in that moment I realized that opportunity may never come again. Nothing will ever make losing E easier, but it comforts my soul to know that people are appreciating life and moments with their kids more. It makes me smile when I hear from someone who says "we had ice cream for breakfast". Please, please continue to share these stories with us- it is remarkable how busy our little man continues to be! As this was E's message for all of us..."wag more, bark less"..."hug", smile, play, laugh, have fun, do life at your own pace, have ice cream for breakfast if you feel like it, enjoy every moment God gives you for each day you are given is a "gift" use it wisely.

We have been through a lot already, but we still have more yet in front of us. We have to pick out a headstone, clean out his dresser, get his room ready for Grant, our first Halloween, birthday, holidays, and things I can't even dream of yet. But I know in time we will take each of these steps alongside God and the family and friends he has blessed us with.

Much love and joy from our house to yours!

Touched by an Angel

I have meant to share this story for a long time... Sometimes strangers ("angels") are brought into your life for a brief second, yet change your life forever. This is one such story.

Several years ago (before children, before Florida, maybe even before marriage), Jake and I were at the grocery store and saw a mother shopping with her adorable little toddler. They were in the produce section and he was sitting in the cart. She was picking up different fruits and vegetables and would hold them for him to see, explain what each one was, what color it was, what it tasted like. "This is a yellow lemon and it is sour!" We passed her several times in the store and she so patiently and lovingly was showing him the world. Jake and I were in absolute awe. How many times do you witness that in the grocery store? And how many times to you witness someone screaming at or getting frustrated with their child? I remember Jake saying I hope we will be that kind-of parent someday.

Who knows this woman could've been an abuser for all we know. However in that one brief moment she not only had a teachable moment with her child, but with one trip to the grocery store she forever changed the lives of two complete strangers. I am far from the perfect mother, and I am pretty convinced that there is no perfect mother out there. I have had too many times in the grocery store where I scolded or was impatient with Ethan. But I think of that woman everytime I set foot in the grocery store and I think of her nearly everyday since becoming a mother. I try, try to have at least one teachable, peaceful moment- a second that I slow down everyday to just be totally present with this amazing gift that God has given me. Sometimes it is the grocery store, sometimes while reading a book, sometimes in the bath, etc. It is a moment when I am not thinking about the "to do list", about the phone, email, facebook, etc. it is a moment that I am 100% present with my child.

I recently asked Jake "do you remember that woman in the grocery store"? Immediately he said the one in Des Moines that was teaching her child about the different fruits and vegetables? And I smiled and said "yes". He said "I think of her all the time"!

So to our angel that we met in Hy-Vee all those years ago, thank you for blessing our lives...

MOPS Convention 2009

This past weekend I was blessed to spend 4 days in Nashville with some of the most incredible women for the 2009 MOPS Convention.

Just in case you don't know...MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers, it is an international group designed to support all woman with children ages birth through kindergarten. There are approximately 3900 MOPS groups in the country and in 35 countries. We are a faith based group, but support EVERY mother. For more information feel free to visit www.mops.org.

This is the 3rd year that I have been apart of MOPS here in Gainesville (and my second year that I have served on the leadership team). This group of women have helped me become a better mother, wife, person. They have strengthened my relationship with Christ. The day we lost Ethan these women came running and began praying. I can't even begin to share with you all of the ways in which they have supported our family and more important continue to support our family through this tragedy. They have forever changed my life! Not only have we gotten support from our local group, but have even received cards and prayers from MOPS international.

Okay, so back to my trip....6 of us road tripped to Nashville on Thursday. We attended our first general session and were led in worship by Matt Redman and Christy Nockels. It was absolutely incredible to walk into the room and worship with thousands of mothers from all across the country/world! I can't even begin to put it into words. As I sat there, I thought of my life 3 years ago...never in a million years would I have imagined to be sitting in a convention center with this huge group of women! God has a plan for me and though I don't understand some of this plan, an enormous part of it is far better than I would've ever imagined!

Friday we worshiped again with Matt Redman and Christy Nockels. In addition we got to see Plum and comedian Ken Davis (who is hilarious and I would recommend finding some of his stuff on you-tube). I attended several great break out sessions one called Kid Concoctions that was about learning through creative play. Very fun- can't wait until Grant is old enough to do some of it! I attended one that was on communication in marriage and the other one was about telling your "story". Friday night we attended the comedy night with Ken Davis and the farewell celebration for Elisa Morgan (more on her in a minute).

Saturday we were led in worship by Christy Nockels and got to hear Matthew West!! I attended a break out session on writing during the mothering season, which was sooo good! This blog has really inspired me to do a lot more writing. I am really thinking writing maybe my next calling from God (but only time will tell what God has in store next). I also attended a break out session on making a difference in the world with your child from home. As everyone knows I am a "service" person, so this one was particularly close to my heart.

Saturday I got the honor to meet two authors that have really touched my life! Lisa Bergren who wrote this years MOPS curriculum book. In the book she talked about the death of her niece, Maddie and what that has done to her faith. We had emailed before the convention, so it was such an honor to meet her in person and have her sign one of her kids storybooks for Grant. Her words touched me on a day that I needed to hear them. The other person that I got to meet was Elisa Morgan!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was the first president of MOPS international and has written several books. One of which is titled "What Every Mom Needs", one of my favorite books! I have given this to several new moms out there (you may have been a recipient of a copy)! After 20 years as president of MOPS she has turned the organization over and moved onto a new journey in her life this year. I had to meet her and tell her how much I appreciate what she has done for MOPS, that this group has truly changed my life. Elisa's sons name is also Ethan...she cried and prayed with me (and signed a copy of her new book). It was such an honor to meet such an incredible woman!!

Sunday it was back home to Gainesville and my wonderful family! It was an amazing weekend and I am truly blessed that I was able to go.

Wow, if you made it to the end of this blog...I commend you it was a long one. :-)

Meals on Wheels

I had to write a post to thank all who have delivered a meal to us since April. In all we have had almost 40 meals brought to our house, and countless others who have taken us out for lunch and/or dinner. I can't even begin to put into words how much this has meant to us. Without cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping we have had time together as a family...to grieve, to find a new "normal", to bond with Grant. A few weeks ago I went to Publix to grocery shop for the first time. I couldn't believe how overwhelming it was (seeing E's favorite shopping carts, walking past the items that I would stop and get for E, etc.), truly every place I go is filled with memories of him. Well yesterday Grant and I went to Publix; he cooed, laughed, and smiled...we are making our own memories!

So again, my many thanks to everyone who took the time to bring us a meal (or two) for many, many reasons you have all touched and blessed our lives!

Vikings....uck!

Well with all the talk of our beloved Minnesota Vikings signing Brett Farve (uck, uck!) yesterday, I remembered a great E story that was worth sharing. Jake's parents are huge Green Bay Packer fans. Last year for Christmas they gave E a Green Bay Packer sweatshirt. After he opened it, Jake's mom wanted him to put it on to take a picture, but he flat out refused!! He was screaming and pulling it off...we never did get a picture! The above pictures however are from his 2nd b-day party with his friends where he is proudly wearing a MN Vikings shirt! Man I love that kid...what a great sense of humor he had!

P.S. What to do? I don't know if I can honestly cheer for the Vikings...I mean seriously, Brett Farve! That is just wrong, wrong! So now who do I pick...I've always secretly cheered for the Jags. I think the Titans are pretty cool as well...maybe I will have to temporarily suspend my Vikings cheering for this season (God knows Brett will be "retired" again next year)!

E at work

We are currently in Nashville. Jake had to come up here for a conference, so Grant and I came with.

I maybe crazy (as a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that I am), but this morning I watched Ethan work a miracle and it was amazing. Grant and I went down for breakfast at the hotel restaurant. It is a fairly fancy place, everyone there was dressed in business attire and Grant was the ONLY child in the place. We were seated next to this table of 4 guys, all dressed in business suits. This one guy looked over at me and I saw that "look" of "great, I am seated next to a woman with a baby". Grant was quite happy through breakfast, but was also fairly loud with his laughing and squealing. Towards the end of my meal the guy that had glared at us, got up and left the restaurant. I was finishing up waiting on our waiter to bring me the bill, when the guy came back into the restaurant. He came over to me and asked how old Grant was. He then proceeded to tell me that he had a 10 month old at home. He said he was so sorry to even admit this, but he travels a lot for business and is always glad to leave his son behind because he is a very difficult baby. He said "watching you with your son, made me miss him and my wife so much that I just stepped outside, cancelled the rest of my trip, and changed my flight home to tonight instead of Friday". With tears in his eyes he said "I have never done that before, and I don't even know why I am telling you this". Of course that made me cry as well. I then told him about E, which of course gave us both goosebumps. We sat and chatted for awhile as he told me all about his wife and little boy named "Gavin" (which is what we were going to name Grant)...even showed me pictures. When he left he said "God bless you and your two angels, safe tavels home". Chris, safe travels home to your beautiful wife and Gavin, may you cherish everyday!

E you truly are an angel and amaze me everyday. I am so blessed to be your mother!

Another month...

4 months. 4 months. I can't believe today it has been 4 months since we lost E. In the last 9 months, I have lost my job, lost my son, and given birth. I still have a hard time comprehending all of that. I am starting to feel as if this "cloud" is lifting some, that instead of being in survival mode that I am actually able to function more. A new "normal" is very, very slowly beginning to emerge. I feel as if I am a completely different person, physically (2 kids later) and emotionally...yet I have the same name.

I have a hard time envisioning what the future will bring. I was planning on starting to look for a part-time job. Ethan was to start "school" next week. Now...well obviously E won't be starting "school" and as for me looking for a job, that isn't going to happen right now and I don't know if it ever will. The worst calls for me as a medic were pediatric cardiac arrest calls. I cried over children that I never knew, re-played every one of these calls wondering why? what could I have done differently? I never dreamed that I would someday be on BOTH sides of this call...that I would be the grieving parent and the paramedic trying to save my own son. I fear that when my next pediatric code came that I would re-live my "call" with Ethan..and I would be with new co-workers that wouldn't know how to help me through it. I worked with the greatest people in Ocala, they were my "family". I have packed away most of my work stuff. My career, a job I truly loved and was passionate about, may very well and probably is over, but the blessing is that right now I don't have to make a decision. I can pack my things away, enjoy my family and my life long career as a mom... and trust that God is in control of what will happen. God has taken my life many, many times down roads that I initially didn't want to travel on, but ultimately I am grateful for the experiences and scenery down that road.

Now that this "cloud" is lifting some... please, please forgive me if I didn't respond to an email, message, or phone call from you. I really do appreciate ALL of the support and love that has been shown towards us...many of these random acts of kindness have come on a day that I truly needed to know that someone thought of and loves me. I am getting much, much better at answering messages so please feel free to try again if you didn't hear back from me.

Thank you all for loving and praying for me as I travel down this bumpy road. Mommy loves you, Ethan and I miss and think of you every minute of every day, you are always in my heart.

Locks of Love!

I have wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love for a long time, well that day has come! Today I chopped my hair and will be sending it to Locks of Love this week! It brings joy to my soul to be able to help other people. I am looking forward to growing out my hair again!

Zzzzzzz!

Grant is an absolute super sleeper! Until last night he has slept completely through the night from like 8:30pm until around 7am. Last night he was up once around 3am and only for like 20 minutes. He also naps!! That is such a foreign concept to me to have a child that NAPS! Super G is definitely a thumb sucker, it is so adorable (probably won't be later, but I will worry about that then). Visken and Suzie sure seem to like him and I had to laugh this morning, both of them had been going in to check on him.

Grant's Bathroom

Jake's mom is now retired! What a blessing it was to have her come down for a few days to help with some home improvement projects. One of the projects I have wanted to do for a long, long time (like 5 years) is the spare bathroom (Grant's bathroom). Above is the before pic and below is the after. I still have some projects in there to finish, but I'm already loving it! My next goals for Grant's bathroom is to display some of our niece, Samantha's artwork and get a few accessories and window treatment. I can't wait to see it all put together!

P.S. Thanks Beth for scrubbing all that icky wallpaper off!

:-)

My new trainer kicked my butt pretty good on Wednesday, so that night I thought I should probably take a good warm bath. Well approximately 10 minutes into my bath Jake enters the room and asks "if an outfit is covered in poop up to the arm pits is it worth saving or should I cut it off?". Well needless to say my bath came to an end, but I did manage to save the outfit! :-)

Hug

Grant and I went to playgroup on Tuesday at my friend, Ruth's house. Ruth has an adorable little boy named, Liam (who is the same age of Ethan). Liam is just an incredible child. I think Ethan had a vocabulary of about 20 words when Liam was asking his mom things like "where does the water go when it goes down the drain?". One of the things he asked Ruth after Ethan died was if he was ever going to see me again. So when Ruth invited us to playgroup I felt it necessary that I attend. This was the second time that I have seen Ethan's friends, but the first time that I have seen Liam since loosing E. When we arrived Liam was wearing a Wisconsin Badger t-shirt. Ruth and Liam had just gotten home from a trip to Madison to visit friends. I immediately thought of Ethan wearing his Badger sweatshirt that he got from his friend, Zack. We hung out and had a great time visiting with friends. I was very comfortable and so glad I was there. Grant and I got ready to leave after about an hour visit, so we could head over to the luncheon at the hospital. Liam walked us to the door and at first expressed concern that we were leaving so soon and that we were going to get wet (it was raining out). Then looked at me with the most beautiful smile and said "hug". E many times a day would come up to me and with the most beautiful smile he would say "hug". It was if for a brief moment in time I saw E in Liam. Thanks for the hug, Liam! I am so blessed to have you in my life!

Help

Anyone who truly knows me knows that one of the most difficult things in the world for me to do is to ask for help. Almost three months ago now God placed me in a situation where I had no choice, but to ask for help. Don't get me wrong I am still not great at asking, but I am definitely getting better about communicating my needs. The help we have been given is incredible and when I stop to think about all the wonderful things that people have done for us, it brings me tears of joy. Because of this help I have been able to take care of myself and Grant. I have had time to spend with Jake to work on finding a new "normal" for our family, our marriage, our lives. I have had time to grieve in my own way on my own terms.

Yesterday in the mail came my monthly MOPS magazine and in it was an article on how to help a friend in need. After everything that has happened it intrigued me, because sometimes I have a hard time putting into words just exactly what I "need". I thought I would share some of the things that were in the article.

* Be consistently and gently present. She may not know what she needs, but if you're in touch you'll find out. (A text message, phone call, email, card, etc. means so very much, it lets us know that someone is thinking of us and keeping us close to their heart.)

*Encourage her to share. A grieving friend will not be sadder if you talk about her loss.

*Depression requires patience and encouragement. Listen intently. Invite her for walks...out to coffee or a trip to the gym.

* Practical help is a lifesaver. Trusted child care, a meal- lightening her load might enable your friend to focus better.

*Be sensitive.

*Pray, pray, pray!

I hate asking for help, but know that I definitely still and always will from time to time need at least a little help because I am human. We have the greatest family and friends in the world, thank you all for walking along side of us...for your help, love, and prayers! I knew we were loved, but never realized just how much.

Gym

Well 4 weeks ago I headed back to the gym. As most of you know I do personal training and have for 4 years. I have been blessed with awesome, awesome trainers that have truly changed my life. I am no athlete by any means, but I have learned a tremendous amount about my body, staying healthy, and staying motivated (which is always a struggle for me). I had Eric for 2 years and Carlos for a year. Carlos left the gym shortly after I had Grant, but before he left he got me transferred over to Rod. We have hit it off right away and have been meeting once a week for the last 4 weeks.

Today I felt totally not motivated to go to the gym, but knew I had personal training so I dragged my butt there anyway. Once I was there I was sharing with Rod about how tight all my muscles in my body felt and how I was under motivated. Well we spent a little time stretching and then did some kick boxing, ahhh it was so therapeutic! I am so glad I went and have a much better attitude (and when I stepped on the scale I had lost 2.5 pounds)!

The gym is my therapy and in my book worth the thousands of dollars we have spent! My many thanks always to the greatest trainers in the world!

2 Months Old

Wow, Grant is over 2 months old already. I just thought I would give everyone a little update on how he is doing and let you know a little more about him. Grant is a super, super baby! He cries only when something is needed such as a clean diaper, food, or sleep and can be easily consoled when he does get upset. Otherwise he is "talking" up a storm and smiling away. He can easily put a smile on my face when I am sad, so truly he is a gift from God. He is starting to reach for toys and enjoys playing on his gym mat. He loves a warm bath and getting a nightly massage (don't we all?).

Last week we saw Dr. Beebe for his 2 month check-up. He weighed in at 13lbs 11oz and was 24.5 inches long. Dr. Beebe said he is around 4 months developmentally. He also got his first set of shots, which he definitely wasn't a fan. They didn't seem to affect him too much though, other than a few days of a disrupted sleeping schedule.

Happy 2 month Birthday Grant! What a blessing you are in our lives!

Peppers

"Planting peppers a week before E passed away, he was helping as he loved to do. Scooping the potting soil out of the bag, putting it in the cup. Started to get upset at him as he tipped over a bunch of the peppers. Now we have peppers, no idea which peppers are in which cups. The cups then got flooded with one of the rainstorms right after he passed away. Cups are now transplanted into bigger pots, sprouted so fast once they were transplanted. I thought we had lost them all, but I guess E had something to say about it. Looking forward to seeing what kind of peppers we have. :)" --Jake

Weekend in Saint Augustine

We had a wonderful weekend in Saint Augustine with our good friends the Rotchfords!

We arrived on Friday evening, enjoyed a wonderful dinner and a walk on the beach. One of the greatest things about living in Florida is being so close to the beach, we definitely don't go often enough. After the kiddos had gone to bed we cracked open a bottle of Cristal to celebrate the birth of Grant with his godparents. (Jake and I enjoyed a bottle together after the birth of Ethan, so thought Grant deserved the same celebration. It is well worth the $200+ for such a special occasion!)

Saturday we decided to head to Castillo de San Marcos, a landmark of Saint Augustine. We had a great time touring the grounds until we realized that a nasty thunderstorm was about to hit. As we were rushing to the parking garage we saw some circulation in the clouds, scary!! We managed to make it just in time, but spent the next 45 minutes or so hanging out in the parking garage waiting for the storm to pass.

Sunday we ran Grant out to the beach for a few quick photo shoot. I'm hoping he loves the beach as much as his brother did!

It was a good weekend. I enjoyed spending some time with Claire...coloring and playing Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders (one of the things I miss the most about E is just playing)! I think she said it best this weekend "Miss Becky, I'm sad that Ethan had to die". We ALL miss you E and think of you all the time!

Hello again...

Well I haven't written in awhile, because honestly I don't even know what to write. A friend asked the other day why I haven't been blogging and I said that much of this blog before was sharing about E and now I don't know what to write. Grant eats, sleeps, and hangs out. He is smiling now which is cool, but for the most part there isn't really a lot to say about him. I am nervous about writing what I am feeling because I don't want people to worry or think I'm about to go crazy. Jake wrote something on his facebook page that sums up a lot of what I am feeling...

Well, I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I don't know what to say" and that is for good reason. There really isn't anything that anyone can say, ourselves included. To give people a view into my life, I'm writing this. Many of you close to me know a lot of how I've been feeling, some that are friends I'm not as close with know some of how I've been feeling.

How do you describe a situation that in one instant challenges every value and belief that you have? How do you go from your future plans to having to create a new today? How can you challenge your religious beliefs, beliefs in science, and safety in one moment?

Another phrase I've heard over and over is how strong people think Becky and I have been. We don't necessarily feel that way. We struggle. We cry. We are surviving. We have moments of strength. We were put in a situation that we HAD to 'be strong'. We're no stronger than any of you. We're just having to live in this new reality. It is our new reality and we're glad that you are all a part of it with us.

We've found sources of strength. Friends, prayer, family, Grant, each other. Yet, we are not strong. I still cry pretty much every day. There have been a couple that I've made it through without shedding a tear, and I feel guilty about it.

Each 'first' that we must encounter again returns many of those emotions to us. Going back to work. Going to the gym. Paying the ambulance bill. Paying the hospital bill. Knowing we still need to purchase a headstone. Knowing we still need to file a life insurance claim. There are so many firsts yet to come.

There is nothing that will make any of these situations any easier. There is no one that can do them for us, take the pain away from us (even for a moment), or understand where we are emotionally at any minute of any day. A good day can turn bad in one sentence, but the opposite isn't true.

On another note, Grant is an incredible blessing for us. He is such a great little boy, smiling, laughing, and developing his own personality. I am looking forward to watching him grow. I love coming home from work to Grant and Becky. I loved coming home from work to E and Becky too.

Our friends have been incredible. I don't know what we'd do without you.

Jake

I am not strong. I hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. I am not "okay", because honestly I don't even know what that word means. Our lives have not returned to "normal". I look at pictures of me taken before loosing E and wonder if I will ever be that happy again...some times I even wonder who that person in the picture is. I am trying to figure out how to live and find joy without E. I get mad at the world, even God some times. I cry every single day. I have panic attacks. I have good moments and bad, one minute maybe full of tears and the next a strange sense of peace. I am grieving and will be for the rest of my life, this is my own personal journey and no one else can do this for me.

But I get out of bed everyday because I have witnessed miracles and signs of hope in the midst of this tragedy. I get out of bed because Ethan would want me to. I get out of bed because I have Grant and an amazing husband that need me. I get out of bed because I have friends and family that love me. I get out of bed because I have the greatest friends in the world. I get out of bed because I have a lot of living to do. This is on our refrigerator and I read it several times a day...

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.

- mary anne radmacher

Thank you all for praying for and loving us as we journey through life without E. We are all better people because of an amazing blonde hair, blue eyed angel that will live in our hearts forever.

Grunting Grant

Well we have nicknamed Grant, "Grunting Grant". He is quite the little talker and not fussy, just chatty. I hope you all enjoy the video of him. He makes us smile and has already brought so much joy to our lives.

Will You Dance With Us?

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND. This came as an email forward from a dear friend of ours, but it is as if it was written by us...

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know
it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who
passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.
From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does
the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going
to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I
have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known
yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal
favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have
lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves
when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve
toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter,
and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we
awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going
to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure
and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her
enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes,
and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and
skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's
just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula
and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car
and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way
home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.......not
something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had
only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would
you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this
to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to
the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic
flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through
each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the
reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred
chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it
tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch?
Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the
music before the song is over.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we
might as well dance!

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Welcoming Grant to the world...

Wow, where do I even begin....what do I say to all of you? What do you say to us? To say the last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride would be the understatement of a lifetime (the last six days in particular). I go one minute from complete joy and elation at the beautiful gift of God that has joined our family to complete devastation and sorrow that E is not physically here to meet his little brother.

A new book has been started in our house (the old one however will never be closed)...all of you have been anxious to hear about Grant so here are some random things about him. Grant Michael Tillmann joined us on 4/17 at 6:46pm weighing 8lbs 12 oz. My labor went well until they broke my water at 5pm, then things got intense and an epidural didn't really do a whole lot. But I ended up with a gorgeous boy and no stitches so I guess that hour and 45 minutes was nothing to complain about. Grant looks like a "Tillmann". He sleeps really well and has been given us at least one 3 hour stretch during the night. He is unbelievably content with life and only fusses when he needs something and makes whatever it is well known quickly. He nurses pretty good, although we have had some problems with the left side for some reason but overall he eats like a champ. Diaper changes sometimes involve both mom and dad as he like to pee on his head! :-) He loves his paci! He loves to be held and is rarely put down (and I don't care what the parenting experts say)!

We saw Dr. Beebe (our ped) on Monday and he weighed 8lbs 2oz, which is what he weighed when we left the hospital the day before, so we think he has already hit the bottom of his weight and is on his way back up. Dr. Beebe said he is a healthy and strong boy.

Grant has given me a reason to get out of bed everyday...my husband has given me love and support that I can't begin to put into words along with blessing me with two incredible boys...our amazing friends and family have given me strength and comfort...my faith in God, hope for the future.

Thank you all for everything you have done and continue to do for us. The phone calls, text messages, emails, facebook notes, gestures big and small, prayers etc. mean so very much to us! I don't know if I will ever be able to thank you all properly for what you have done. We are looking forward to all of you meeting Grant, please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

BUSTED!

Last night after Ethan went to bed, I ran to the Dairy Queen. Well Jake and I failed to get rid of the evidence and left our empty containers on the kitchen counter. We were busted this morning when Ethan got up and saw the containers. He got sooo excited and said "shake, please...shake, please"! Guess next time we need to do a better job of hiding the evidence! :-)

5 weeks and counting....

Well I am now 35 weeks, so 5 weeks to go! I have now stopped personal training and have been spending some time on the elliptical and my new favorite swimming! I really missed my time with Carlos (my trainer) this week though, as personal training has been good for many things keeping me in shape, keeping me motivated, a stress relief, and a mental therapy session! Overall I am feeling pretty good, for being at the end of my pregnancy. I get tired very easy, but overall I can't complain too much.

I had a dr. appt on Tuesday (that they were over an hour late for). All looks good with me and baby. I'm weighing 10 pounds less than I did at this point when I was pregnant with Ethan. My blood pressure and the baby's heart rate were both good. She wasn't entirely sure the baby was in a head down position, but I have an ultrasound on April 2nd so it will be confirmed at that point. My ultrasound on the 2nd will also determine whether or not the dilated kidney found at 20 weeks has resolved itself. If it hasn't we should know a little more about the next step. Say some extra prayers!

Speech Therapy

As you all probably know by now, Ethan had a speech evaluation back in February and qualified for thearpy. We have been on a waiting list for a permanent therapy appointment every since, but were finally able to get in! Ethan started yesterday, his thearpist is Kelli and she is really nice and Ethan seems to like her. I went back with him for the first appointment and she worked with him some and spent some time with me finding out what my concerns are, Ethan's likes/dislikes, and where he is as far as his current language skills. With Ethan she played with some different types of cars (since Ethan loves playing cars) and tried to get him to say things like "bus and car". She also used some signs in addition to words, since Ethan has always responded well to sign language. He has a ways to go, but I'm grateful that we were able to finally get in and get the ball rolling. He will be going twice a week for a half hour each session.

Being there has also helped me realize how very blessed I am to have a healthy, "normal" child as I watch other parents struggle with children that have severe developmental delays and health problems. Sometimes we all forget to stop and be thankful for the blessings in our life.

Today we have our home visit for the Early Steps program and are in hopes that Ethan will qualify for free speech therapy until he is 3 years old.

Please keep Ethan in your prayers as he has many, many changes about to take place in his little life!

Space Shuttle Discovery

One of the most spectacular things I've gotten to see in my life is the space shuttle heading into orbit. Shortly after Jake and I moved to Florida (and just before the Columbia disaster) we saw a night launch and even from 165 miles away there was no mistaking what it was in the sky.

Last night space shuttle Discovery took off into a beautiful sunset...you can see the trail in the sky left behind from the rocket boosters. We were actually able to see the shuttle itself, which looks almost like a star in the sky. Unfortunately I missed watching the rocket boosters detach as I was dealing with poop in the bathtub...sigh, the joys of motherhood! :-)

Someday I hope to be closer to Kennedy Space Center for a launch (maybe we will get there before the shuttle is retired). But for now I will be in awe from 165 miles away! How cool is that, I can see the space shuttle take off from my front yard?!

Safe travels to our seven astronaunts!

Baby Update

I am now 33 weeks pregnant! Wow, where did that time go? I had my latest appointment on Monday. My blood pressure was a little high, but I had carried Ethan in all the way from the parking lot so they weren't too concerned. She said I need to monitor it and if I start having headaches or any other symptoms of pre-eclampsia that I need to call right away. I hadn't gained as much weight as I thought, but I had walked quite a bit on our trip so I think that had something to do with it. All in all a good appointment, both baby and I are healthy which is a true blessing. I'm looking forward to meeting this little one (as I am starting to get tired of being pregnant)!!

Girls Weekend

I was blessed to spend last weekend in Charleston, SC with two of my best girlfriends (Megan and Erin) for my b-day! Several people have asked for the details of the trip so here you go...

I drove up on Thursday, which was about a 5 hour drive and didn't go too bad except for all the road construction...yuck! I arrived at the airport with just minutes to spare and picked up the girls. We found our hotel without too much problem, a small detour over a large bridge! :-) We ate lunch downtown and spent the rest of the day relaxing at our hotel and had some awesome pizza for dinner!

Friday morning we headed out to Magnolia Plantation. They told us at the gate it would be around 3 hours to do all the tours we signed up for, well it ended up being more like 5 hours (and we couldn't even do the boat tour). But we would not complain it was a beautiful place and I'm sure when the magnolias are in bloom in June it is truly spectacular. I would've loved to have been a kid growing up on that plantation (but I'm glad not a parent, I would never find Ethan there)! We spent Friday night downtown and ate seafood at the Charleston Crab House...yum! We ended the night with a tour of Charleston's "dark side". It started a little rough as our tour guide wasn't the greatest public speaker, but once we started to understand him we had fun. We even got to walk through a creepy cemetery (for those not aware I love cemetery geocaches)!!

Saturday we went to the Charleston Tea Plantation, the only tea plantation in America. We went on a great tour of the plantation grounds, it was neat to hear and see how tea gets made. I had to bring some delicious tea home with me! We then went to the historic Fort Sumter (site of the beginning of the Civil War) visitor center, we were unable to go to the actual site because of time restraints. However, the visitor center had some cool artifacts from the Civil War and it was fun to stop by and look. We had lunch at a local pasta place and then cupcakes at the cupcake bakery!! (It was the place Jake wanted to have me go to as a surprise, little did he know I saw an ad and requested to go there for my b-day.) We then went on an awesome carriage ride through the historic district of Charleston and saw some gorgeous homes and buildings (thankfully the rain held out). We went back to the hotel to rest and change clothes before heading out for my b-day dinner. We ate at Hyman's Seafood, which had an hour and a 45 minute wait....but was soooo worth it! The best seafood I have ever eaten and service that matched! Do you think Jake will let me go there every year for my b-day dinner?

Sunday morning we awoke to really yucky weather, good thing we were all heading home. Off to the airport we went (again with a little detour that required help from Jake)....then southward for me. I thought I was going to be driving in rain the entire way, but I really lucked out. It was really windy (which wasn't fun going through the narrow construction zones), but no heavy rain!

Thanks girls for a wonderful trip! I love and miss you both!!

School

Well we haven't shared this news with too many people yet, but I have completed the necessary paperwork for enrollment so thought we would share. Ethan is going to start going to "school" in August two days a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays! We have a beautiful, brand new facility that is literally 2 miles down the road from our house. Ethan loved the place, especially the cool playground outside! He will be in a class of all 2 year olds. Speech therapy suggested when we were there for an evaluation for him that he start in some "structured" program. Some of the best places in town however for half-day or part-time "school" are all the way across town (which I didn't think would be fun with an infant). This will be a great opportunity for Ethan and for me to spend some quality time with the baby.

He also got into speech therapy at Shands at Magnolia Park. He will start on the 16th and be going 2 days a week for a half hour session. I am so glad that we finally got in and anxious for all this to get started. He really has gotten a lot better with his speech in just the last month with us doing some of the exercises they suggested, so I can't imagine what will happen when he is with someone who is actually trained in speech.

Our little man is growing up and soon will be a "big brother" too!

Hokey Pokey Ethan!

Here is my "Hokey Pokey Man"! Hope you all enjoy!!

Speech Therapy

We have been on the wait list at Shands (University of Florida) to get Ethan into their program for speech therapy. They called yesterday around noon and said they had a cancellation and wanted to know if we could come in. I jumped at the chance and we went. Jake was even able to get off of work a little early to join us, which was really nice since I had a lot of paperwork to fill out and that would've been hard to do by myself with Ethan.

We met with a really nice, young therapist and a student. They basically just asked Jake and I a lot of questions about what he is able to and not able to do. Then at the end they went over the results with us. He is around 4 months behind and delayed in his expressive speech. They recommend therapy for a greater than 3 month delay. She would like him to do 2 half hour sessions a week. (All of this is stuff that my awesome friend Megan has already told us, this just officially confirmed everything.) There is a federally funded program called "Early Steps" for kids that are under 3 years old where they will pay for speech therapy. The therapist recommended that I contact them immediately to get into the program (which I did yesterday, but had to leave a message). She said he will probably need to be tested in other areas such as physical therapy and occupational therapy in order to get into that program. Shands is an Early Steps provider so now we are "on the list" waiting for a biweekly appointment time at Shands. In the mean time they did give us some exercises that we can do with him at home, which I found really great...helped me to not feel completely helpless!

We are making progress in getting him and us help, it is just a lot of red tape and phone calls. Thankfully God decided that I needed to be a stay at home mom for awhile...I smile now as I think, "all things happen for a reason" (sometimes we just can't see why things happen right away, but if we are lucky they become clear later on). Thanks to everyone for your prayers, advice, and concerns for Ethan! We are truly blessed with an amazing kid and can't wait for the world to hear what is going on in that head!

The Second Time Around

My doctor's appointment went fairly well today. My blood pressure was slightly elevated, but nothing to be concerned with yet. I've also gained a fair amount of weight (although I'm still not close to where I was with Ethan yet). I am currently measuring 1.5 weeks ahead, baby around Easter?! My next appointment is 2 weeks away...

We are under 70 days until I am officially due! Holy cow!! I feel as if I have so much to do yet before this baby arrives, but in all honesty all I really have to do is unpack Ethan's stuff that has been stored away. Things really are so different the second time around. There is no excitement of the unknown and reading baby books to find out "what next week will bring", no buying all new maternity clothes, no registering for baby gifts, no wandering the baby isles trying to figure out "what on earth do we really need", no researching car seats, no "congratulations, we are so excited" cards and baby gifts, no baby showers, no weekly belly shots, no scrapbook (yet anyway, who am I kidding like that will ever happen), no big decisions to be made as far as going back to work, etc. What I have missed the most this time around was the quiet time I had when I worked nights (on a good night anyway), I would have a period of time that it was quiet and I could talk to Ethan and dream about what he would be like and what it would be like to be a mom. But I hope this baby knows, despite all that, how very much he/she is loved and wanted...the excitement and fear I have of being a mom to two children, the excitement there is on whether or not this is a boy or a girl, the excitement of meeting this new personality, etc. A whole new level of anticipation!

I love you baby and I'm so very excited for you to join us!

Pink Eye

I spoke too soon on Monday when I said we were all healthy again. Ethan woke up Monday morning with nearly crusted shut eyes that were really puffy and bloodshot. I called the Dr. office and they were gracious enough to call in a prescription so I didn't have to bring him in. Ugh, I swear when will this microbiology lab experiment end in our house?! E's eye is much, much better now, but let me tell you that putting eye drops in a 2 year old is not an easy thing (especially by yourself) and we get to do this for 5 more days! Poor kid!

Mozart?

Ethan loves entertaining us with his little piano (he insists on keeping his piano on the end table next to the couch). He walks up to it and stretches out his arms and then starts pounding away and loves it when you cheer. It is hard to get it on video though as he usually stops to say "cheese" the minute he sees the camera so this is the best I could do. Hope you enjoy our little Mozart!

X-Box

Well Jake thought it was time to introduce Ethan to the world of X-Box. Yup, before long they will be off playing golf and X-Box and I will be a thing of the past! Ethan has a "Cars" racing game and actually isn't half bad...I think by the time he turns 3 he will easily have me beat! The other night he fell asleep while playing X-Box, it was quite funny to watch his head bob as he was trying so hard to stay awake.

Healthy again?

I finally got a call back Thursday at dinner time from my OB office and she authorized an antibiotic for me, thank God! When I woke up Friday morning, my ear had drained however I was still feeling yucky and in a lot of pain. Ethan and I laid pretty low for the day, not leaving the house. Saturday I was still pretty icky, but really wanted to go out so we did a little geocaching. By late Saturday I knew I was actually on the road to recovery and slept great Saturday night. I had a lot of congestion still yesterday, but finally moving to clear drainage. This is the worst upper respiratory infection I can remember having since I was like 12 years old and got hospitalized for pneumonia. Ugh!!! It just wouldn't go away and I had it all; sore throat, cough, sinus crap, and the worst was my ear. I am super, super, super exhausted and really pray that is won't be like this for the remainder of my pregnancy. I am counting the days until the end of the month when I go to Charleston, SC for a few days with my two wonderful girlfriends for some much needed R&R.

Glucose Test is OVER!

Thank you, thank you for your prayers!

Well I am back from my glucose tolerance test. Yup, everyone that warned me was absolutely correct it sucks. I don't do well not eating (when I'm not pregnant) so going through this was not pleasant. They do 4 blood draws from you and they missed 3 out of the 4 sticks so I ended up with 7 total. They also refused to draw from any other place but my a.c. (elbow area), which the absolute best place to stick me is my wrist. I have been a pin cushion for plenty of medic students so that didn't bother me as much as drinking that crap that they make you drink. I really, really thought I was going to vomit after drinking that stuff, so I spent the first hour praying, praying, praying that I would make it and not have to go through it again. Well God answered all the prayers that came my way because I was able to keep it down and get through the test. Hopefully the results will be good, they should be back on Monday.

Now I have an incredible headache as a result of not eating, this ear thing that I have going on, and no morning coffee! So I am going to lay down for awhile with Ethan and rest (at least I hope he agrees with that)! O' yeah, my right ear is still clogged and I can't hear anything out of it (21 hours now). I called my primary dr. who can get me in next Tuesday (that's helpful) and still waiting to hear back from my OB. But it hurts like crazy and is making me dizzy and off balance so I hope and pray it clears soon!

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and Jamie for watching Ethan (and staying a little longer than I originally anticipated)!

Update

I know I need to update pictures (which I have been sooo bad about taking again), maybe later today I will get around to doing that. Sorry that I haven't been more up to date with things as I have been trying to get over this horrible upper respiratory infection that won't go away!! Grrr!

Well I wanted everyone to know that we have begun the process of getting Ethan evaluated for speech and occupational therapy. Ethan to this day still does not call me "ma-ma" and rarely strings two words together other than "hi, dog" or "help, please". I brought up concerns to the pediatrician who said we could wait until he was 4 and shouldn't be concerned. I have heard from many, many people that "their kid didn't talk until 3 and then was a non-stop chatterbox" and "he's a boy". I thought once I would be home with him full time that things would get better, and instead I almost feel as if he has regressed in his language development. After many prayers and conversations with friends who are trained in this area (speech and occupational therapy), I have decided that it is time to trust my gut as a mother. It is hard and frustrating for him not to communicate and it is hard on me during the day when I can't figure out what he wants. It is also extremely hard for me to be around other kids his age as it is then very obvious that he is nothing like any of them, so I have in essence felt somewhat isolated (which is my own fault). I don't know of anyone close to Ethan in age right now that is going through this, but by starting to talk about it I have sure found some great moms that have been down this road before and have been guiding me in the right direction. I think it is mainly scary and overwhelming because it is unfamiliar territory for me. I know what to do for a broken bone or a cut finger, but how do you teach someone to talk? I have learned that just because I don't know what to do doesn't mean I'm going into uncharted waters, God has brought wonderful "angels" to our life to help (that have been there all along, I just had to ask). With some assistance and guidance we will get through this and Ethan will hopefully soon be "talking up a storm". Please pray for Ethan and we will keep everyone updated....

I will be at 29 weeks tomorrow! Wow, where did this pregnancy go?! I feel totally unprepared for this baby, but yet not stressed about not being prepared. I really love being pregnant, but I felt like I haven't really been able to enjoy most of this pregnancy because every time I turn around I'm fighting off some bug or trying to recover after having some bug. Well I took my 1 hour glucose tolerance test last week and failed so I now have to go through a 3 hour fasting glucose test. UGH! I'm hoping that I didn't pass because I was sick last week when I went, but tomorrow is the day. Everyone that I have talked to that has been through it says it is awful, so say some extra prayers for me too. This pregnancy has been nothing like Ethan, every time I turn around I'm either sick or some test comes up "abnormal" which is so frustrating because I feel like I have taken way better care of myself this time than the last.

25 Random Things

There is this "forward" of sorts going around on facebook right now where people write 25 random things about themselves. I don't normally participate in things like this, but I have learned so much about other people and have gotten so many laughs that I had to take part and so did Jake. So here are our lists of 25 random things about ourselves and just for fun I created one on Ethan.

Becky:

1. I have posed for nude portraits with a professional photographer (maternity pics). I have the pic on our bedroom wall and not afraid to show anyone.
2. I was working in a pharmacy when it was robbed, totally scary!
3. I have delivered a baby in the back of an ambulance.
4. I have held a dead child in my arms, the worst thing in the world!
5. I have saved several peoples life.
6. I think the only thing better in the world than being a wife and mother is being a medic!!!
7. I absolutely hated living in Florida at first, but now can't imagine life anywhere else!
8. I have a dream to open a children's museum in Gainesville.
9. I was at the bedside of my grandmother when she passed away, and so thankful that I was there for such a beautiful moment.
10. I believe my grandparents are my angels and make random appearances to let me know that "I will be ok".
11. I attended a political rally when in college and got to see President Clinton.
12. I love working out and have been blessed with the 2 greatest personal trainers (Eric and Carlos) in the world that have truly changed my life! They have made working out fun and helped me to see that it really isn't that hard.
13. I hate raisins...yuck!!
14. I can't eat ribs because they look too much like human ribs and that freaks me out (yeah, I'm weird)!
15. I'm totally addicted to geocaching and love our new family activity (thanks to Jared)!
16. I watched all 10 seasons of Friends (in order) after Ethan was born.
17. My dog is named after a drug (Visken).
18. I drive a BMW.
19. I LOVE Thai and Indian food!
20. I have been to several Gator games in the Swamp!
21. I can make a mean chicken noodle soup (just like Grandma's), that my husband usually asks for when he is sick. :-)
22. I am a certified flight paramedic!
23. I have a bachelor's degree in chemistry.
24. I never had a lot of girlfriends until I became a mom. Sorry guys, I love you for always making me laugh and helping me see that life doesn't have to be so serious but when it comes to being a mom...you really don't have a clue!
25. I have serious pregnancy brain and am more afraid of not getting my brain than my body back!

Jake:

1. There is nothing in the world more important to me than Becky and Ethan.
2. As a pharmacist, I am OCD.
3. I have accepted a job and applied for a new job, in the same company, before starting the job I accepted.
4. My wife always asks why we have the sound on during sporting events of any kind, because I have a tendency to say things just a couple seconds before the announcers.
5. I've worked in a casino.
6. I love my job, but am always looking for new opportunities to grow.
7. I've turned down a $50,000 sign on bonus.
8. I have an Excel spreadsheet at work that has a countdown until I'm eligible for retirement
9. The best champagne I've ever had is Cristal and I'm looking forward to sharing another bottle in April.
10. I am really, really addicted to geocaching thanks to Jared and am grateful that I live somewhere that I can do it year round.
11. As much as I love music, I never learned how to play an instrument.
12. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.
13. I've been Catholic, Lutheran, and Methodist.
14. Living in Gainesville, I've learned to love the Florida Gators.
15. I love to cook.
16. I can't pick my favorite beach in Florida. Lover's Key? Anastasia State Park? Jax Beach? Pensacola Beach?
17. When it is 90+ degrees for 5 straight months, I sometimes miss Minnesota.
18. When it is 80 degrees on Christmas Day and I'm on the beach, I don't miss Minnesota.
19. I love coffee. There is none better than Peets.
20. I love to travel.
21. I got through pharmacy school with remarkably little studying thanks to a great group of friends. Gotta love D&T.
22. I like eating brown sugar straight from the bag and was disappointed when Becky bought some crazy device to put in the bag to prevent it from clumping together.
23. Watching Ethan smile and laugh is one of the best simple pleasures in life.
24. Even though I know that the lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math, I still play fairly regularly.
25. I love precepting students and residents because it allows me to impact many more people than I'll ever get a chance to work with professionally.

Ethan:

1. I am OBSESSED with Thomas the Train!
2. I love Curious George, just like my mommy!
3. My favorite movies are Cars and The Bee Movie.
4. I have truly loved and had the best babysitters: Caitlin, Nikole, Jennifer, and Jamie!
5. I walked at 10.5 months...basically I haven't stopped moving since I was conceived though!
6. I use to call my dog by his name "Visken", but have decided to call him "dog" instead.
7. I call my cat "Suz".
8. I call my mom "dag-ma" and my dad is either "da" or "dag-ma".
8. I love raisins, but insist that they be Publix brand.
9. I also love pizza, grilled cheese, hot dogs, and spaghetti.
10. My current bedroom is purple (my mom says boys can like purple, look at the MN Vikings)!
11. I like riding in the car.
12. I'm going to be a big brother!
12. I love helping my mom around the house and make sure she keeps up with laundry, dishes, and sweeping and mopping. And also make sure she remembers to take care of my pets.
13. I don't understand why my parents are trying to cut my hair....I was born in Florida (not MN) and love the beach bum look!
14. I like going to Publix because I get to drive the race car shopping cart, other errands however are quite boring!
15. I love to give and get hugs, pats, and kisses!
16. I love being on the beach...a giant sandbox!
17. I recently went on a 3 week vacation with my parents and visited 12 states and lots of family and friends.
18. I hate it when my mom's belly hangs out and am constantly pulling her shirt down (I don't understand this belly, we go to the gym all the time. What does she do there?)
19. My dad introduced me to X-box and I can almost beat my mom (she's not very good)!
20. I have all girl cousins! (Samantha, Erika, Loraina, and Grace)
21. I hate taking naps, but when forced to my favorite places to nap have been the car and stroller!
22. I love my dad's chocolate milkshakes on Thursday nights
23. I love being outside, no matter what the weather is like...ok, I'm not too fond of snow!
24. I have blue eyes and I know how to use them!
25. I love snuggling with my parents in their bed...but I recently moved into my "big boy bed" and think it is pretty cool!