Hello again...

Well I haven't written in awhile, because honestly I don't even know what to write. A friend asked the other day why I haven't been blogging and I said that much of this blog before was sharing about E and now I don't know what to write. Grant eats, sleeps, and hangs out. He is smiling now which is cool, but for the most part there isn't really a lot to say about him. I am nervous about writing what I am feeling because I don't want people to worry or think I'm about to go crazy. Jake wrote something on his facebook page that sums up a lot of what I am feeling...

Well, I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I don't know what to say" and that is for good reason. There really isn't anything that anyone can say, ourselves included. To give people a view into my life, I'm writing this. Many of you close to me know a lot of how I've been feeling, some that are friends I'm not as close with know some of how I've been feeling.

How do you describe a situation that in one instant challenges every value and belief that you have? How do you go from your future plans to having to create a new today? How can you challenge your religious beliefs, beliefs in science, and safety in one moment?

Another phrase I've heard over and over is how strong people think Becky and I have been. We don't necessarily feel that way. We struggle. We cry. We are surviving. We have moments of strength. We were put in a situation that we HAD to 'be strong'. We're no stronger than any of you. We're just having to live in this new reality. It is our new reality and we're glad that you are all a part of it with us.

We've found sources of strength. Friends, prayer, family, Grant, each other. Yet, we are not strong. I still cry pretty much every day. There have been a couple that I've made it through without shedding a tear, and I feel guilty about it.

Each 'first' that we must encounter again returns many of those emotions to us. Going back to work. Going to the gym. Paying the ambulance bill. Paying the hospital bill. Knowing we still need to purchase a headstone. Knowing we still need to file a life insurance claim. There are so many firsts yet to come.

There is nothing that will make any of these situations any easier. There is no one that can do them for us, take the pain away from us (even for a moment), or understand where we are emotionally at any minute of any day. A good day can turn bad in one sentence, but the opposite isn't true.

On another note, Grant is an incredible blessing for us. He is such a great little boy, smiling, laughing, and developing his own personality. I am looking forward to watching him grow. I love coming home from work to Grant and Becky. I loved coming home from work to E and Becky too.

Our friends have been incredible. I don't know what we'd do without you.

Jake

I am not strong. I hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. I am not "okay", because honestly I don't even know what that word means. Our lives have not returned to "normal". I look at pictures of me taken before loosing E and wonder if I will ever be that happy again...some times I even wonder who that person in the picture is. I am trying to figure out how to live and find joy without E. I get mad at the world, even God some times. I cry every single day. I have panic attacks. I have good moments and bad, one minute maybe full of tears and the next a strange sense of peace. I am grieving and will be for the rest of my life, this is my own personal journey and no one else can do this for me.

But I get out of bed everyday because I have witnessed miracles and signs of hope in the midst of this tragedy. I get out of bed because Ethan would want me to. I get out of bed because I have Grant and an amazing husband that need me. I get out of bed because I have friends and family that love me. I get out of bed because I have the greatest friends in the world. I get out of bed because I have a lot of living to do. This is on our refrigerator and I read it several times a day...

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.

- mary anne radmacher

Thank you all for praying for and loving us as we journey through life without E. We are all better people because of an amazing blonde hair, blue eyed angel that will live in our hearts forever.