Anyone who truly knows me knows that one of the most difficult things in the world for me to do is to ask for help. Almost three months ago now God placed me in a situation where I had no choice, but to ask for help. Don't get me wrong I am still not great at asking, but I am definitely getting better about communicating my needs. The help we have been given is incredible and when I stop to think about all the wonderful things that people have done for us, it brings me tears of joy. Because of this help I have been able to take care of myself and Grant. I have had time to spend with Jake to work on finding a new "normal" for our family, our marriage, our lives. I have had time to grieve in my own way on my own terms.
Yesterday in the mail came my monthly MOPS magazine and in it was an article on how to help a friend in need. After everything that has happened it intrigued me, because sometimes I have a hard time putting into words just exactly what I "need". I thought I would share some of the things that were in the article.
* Be consistently and gently present. She may not know what she needs, but if you're in touch you'll find out. (A text message, phone call, email, card, etc. means so very much, it lets us know that someone is thinking of us and keeping us close to their heart.)
*Encourage her to share. A grieving friend will not be sadder if you talk about her loss.
*Depression requires patience and encouragement. Listen intently. Invite her for walks...out to coffee or a trip to the gym.
* Practical help is a lifesaver. Trusted child care, a meal- lightening her load might enable your friend to focus better.
*Be sensitive.
*Pray, pray, pray!
I hate asking for help, but know that I definitely still and always will from time to time need at least a little help because I am human. We have the greatest family and friends in the world, thank you all for walking along side of us...for your help, love, and prayers! I knew we were loved, but never realized just how much.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Gym
Well 4 weeks ago I headed back to the gym. As most of you know I do personal training and have for 4 years. I have been blessed with awesome, awesome trainers that have truly changed my life. I am no athlete by any means, but I have learned a tremendous amount about my body, staying healthy, and staying motivated (which is always a struggle for me). I had Eric for 2 years and Carlos for a year. Carlos left the gym shortly after I had Grant, but before he left he got me transferred over to Rod. We have hit it off right away and have been meeting once a week for the last 4 weeks.
Today I felt totally not motivated to go to the gym, but knew I had personal training so I dragged my butt there anyway. Once I was there I was sharing with Rod about how tight all my muscles in my body felt and how I was under motivated. Well we spent a little time stretching and then did some kick boxing, ahhh it was so therapeutic! I am so glad I went and have a much better attitude (and when I stepped on the scale I had lost 2.5 pounds)!
The gym is my therapy and in my book worth the thousands of dollars we have spent! My many thanks always to the greatest trainers in the world!
Today I felt totally not motivated to go to the gym, but knew I had personal training so I dragged my butt there anyway. Once I was there I was sharing with Rod about how tight all my muscles in my body felt and how I was under motivated. Well we spent a little time stretching and then did some kick boxing, ahhh it was so therapeutic! I am so glad I went and have a much better attitude (and when I stepped on the scale I had lost 2.5 pounds)!
The gym is my therapy and in my book worth the thousands of dollars we have spent! My many thanks always to the greatest trainers in the world!
2 Months Old
Wow, Grant is over 2 months old already. I just thought I would give everyone a little update on how he is doing and let you know a little more about him. Grant is a super, super baby! He cries only when something is needed such as a clean diaper, food, or sleep and can be easily consoled when he does get upset. Otherwise he is "talking" up a storm and smiling away. He can easily put a smile on my face when I am sad, so truly he is a gift from God. He is starting to reach for toys and enjoys playing on his gym mat. He loves a warm bath and getting a nightly massage (don't we all?).
Last week we saw Dr. Beebe for his 2 month check-up. He weighed in at 13lbs 11oz and was 24.5 inches long. Dr. Beebe said he is around 4 months developmentally. He also got his first set of shots, which he definitely wasn't a fan. They didn't seem to affect him too much though, other than a few days of a disrupted sleeping schedule.
Happy 2 month Birthday Grant! What a blessing you are in our lives!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Peppers
"Planting peppers a week before E passed away, he was helping as he loved to do. Scooping the potting soil out of the bag, putting it in the cup. Started to get upset at him as he tipped over a bunch of the peppers. Now we have peppers, no idea which peppers are in which cups. The cups then got flooded with one of the rainstorms right after he passed away. Cups are now transplanted into bigger pots, sprouted so fast once they were transplanted. I thought we had lost them all, but I guess E had something to say about it. Looking forward to seeing what kind of peppers we have. :)" --Jake
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Weekend in Saint Augustine
We had a wonderful weekend in Saint Augustine with our good friends the Rotchfords!
We arrived on Friday evening, enjoyed a wonderful dinner and a walk on the beach. One of the greatest things about living in Florida is being so close to the beach, we definitely don't go often enough. After the kiddos had gone to bed we cracked open a bottle of Cristal to celebrate the birth of Grant with his godparents. (Jake and I enjoyed a bottle together after the birth of Ethan, so thought Grant deserved the same celebration. It is well worth the $200+ for such a special occasion!)
Saturday we decided to head to Castillo de San Marcos, a landmark of Saint Augustine. We had a great time touring the grounds until we realized that a nasty thunderstorm was about to hit. As we were rushing to the parking garage we saw some circulation in the clouds, scary!! We managed to make it just in time, but spent the next 45 minutes or so hanging out in the parking garage waiting for the storm to pass.
Sunday we ran Grant out to the beach for a few quick photo shoot. I'm hoping he loves the beach as much as his brother did!
It was a good weekend. I enjoyed spending some time with Claire...coloring and playing Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders (one of the things I miss the most about E is just playing)! I think she said it best this weekend "Miss Becky, I'm sad that Ethan had to die". We ALL miss you E and think of you all the time!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Hello again...
Well I haven't written in awhile, because honestly I don't even know what to write. A friend asked the other day why I haven't been blogging and I said that much of this blog before was sharing about E and now I don't know what to write. Grant eats, sleeps, and hangs out. He is smiling now which is cool, but for the most part there isn't really a lot to say about him. I am nervous about writing what I am feeling because I don't want people to worry or think I'm about to go crazy. Jake wrote something on his facebook page that sums up a lot of what I am feeling...
Well, I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I don't know what to say" and that is for good reason. There really isn't anything that anyone can say, ourselves included. To give people a view into my life, I'm writing this. Many of you close to me know a lot of how I've been feeling, some that are friends I'm not as close with know some of how I've been feeling.
How do you describe a situation that in one instant challenges every value and belief that you have? How do you go from your future plans to having to create a new today? How can you challenge your religious beliefs, beliefs in science, and safety in one moment?
Another phrase I've heard over and over is how strong people think Becky and I have been. We don't necessarily feel that way. We struggle. We cry. We are surviving. We have moments of strength. We were put in a situation that we HAD to 'be strong'. We're no stronger than any of you. We're just having to live in this new reality. It is our new reality and we're glad that you are all a part of it with us.
We've found sources of strength. Friends, prayer, family, Grant, each other. Yet, we are not strong. I still cry pretty much every day. There have been a couple that I've made it through without shedding a tear, and I feel guilty about it.
Each 'first' that we must encounter again returns many of those emotions to us. Going back to work. Going to the gym. Paying the ambulance bill. Paying the hospital bill. Knowing we still need to purchase a headstone. Knowing we still need to file a life insurance claim. There are so many firsts yet to come.
There is nothing that will make any of these situations any easier. There is no one that can do them for us, take the pain away from us (even for a moment), or understand where we are emotionally at any minute of any day. A good day can turn bad in one sentence, but the opposite isn't true.
On another note, Grant is an incredible blessing for us. He is such a great little boy, smiling, laughing, and developing his own personality. I am looking forward to watching him grow. I love coming home from work to Grant and Becky. I loved coming home from work to E and Becky too.
Our friends have been incredible. I don't know what we'd do without you.
Jake
I am not strong. I hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. I am not "okay", because honestly I don't even know what that word means. Our lives have not returned to "normal". I look at pictures of me taken before loosing E and wonder if I will ever be that happy again...some times I even wonder who that person in the picture is. I am trying to figure out how to live and find joy without E. I get mad at the world, even God some times. I cry every single day. I have panic attacks. I have good moments and bad, one minute maybe full of tears and the next a strange sense of peace. I am grieving and will be for the rest of my life, this is my own personal journey and no one else can do this for me.
But I get out of bed everyday because I have witnessed miracles and signs of hope in the midst of this tragedy. I get out of bed because Ethan would want me to. I get out of bed because I have Grant and an amazing husband that need me. I get out of bed because I have friends and family that love me. I get out of bed because I have the greatest friends in the world. I get out of bed because I have a lot of living to do. This is on our refrigerator and I read it several times a day...
live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
- mary anne radmacher
Thank you all for praying for and loving us as we journey through life without E. We are all better people because of an amazing blonde hair, blue eyed angel that will live in our hearts forever.
Well, I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I don't know what to say" and that is for good reason. There really isn't anything that anyone can say, ourselves included. To give people a view into my life, I'm writing this. Many of you close to me know a lot of how I've been feeling, some that are friends I'm not as close with know some of how I've been feeling.
How do you describe a situation that in one instant challenges every value and belief that you have? How do you go from your future plans to having to create a new today? How can you challenge your religious beliefs, beliefs in science, and safety in one moment?
Another phrase I've heard over and over is how strong people think Becky and I have been. We don't necessarily feel that way. We struggle. We cry. We are surviving. We have moments of strength. We were put in a situation that we HAD to 'be strong'. We're no stronger than any of you. We're just having to live in this new reality. It is our new reality and we're glad that you are all a part of it with us.
We've found sources of strength. Friends, prayer, family, Grant, each other. Yet, we are not strong. I still cry pretty much every day. There have been a couple that I've made it through without shedding a tear, and I feel guilty about it.
Each 'first' that we must encounter again returns many of those emotions to us. Going back to work. Going to the gym. Paying the ambulance bill. Paying the hospital bill. Knowing we still need to purchase a headstone. Knowing we still need to file a life insurance claim. There are so many firsts yet to come.
There is nothing that will make any of these situations any easier. There is no one that can do them for us, take the pain away from us (even for a moment), or understand where we are emotionally at any minute of any day. A good day can turn bad in one sentence, but the opposite isn't true.
On another note, Grant is an incredible blessing for us. He is such a great little boy, smiling, laughing, and developing his own personality. I am looking forward to watching him grow. I love coming home from work to Grant and Becky. I loved coming home from work to E and Becky too.
Our friends have been incredible. I don't know what we'd do without you.
Jake
I am not strong. I hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. I am not "okay", because honestly I don't even know what that word means. Our lives have not returned to "normal". I look at pictures of me taken before loosing E and wonder if I will ever be that happy again...some times I even wonder who that person in the picture is. I am trying to figure out how to live and find joy without E. I get mad at the world, even God some times. I cry every single day. I have panic attacks. I have good moments and bad, one minute maybe full of tears and the next a strange sense of peace. I am grieving and will be for the rest of my life, this is my own personal journey and no one else can do this for me.
But I get out of bed everyday because I have witnessed miracles and signs of hope in the midst of this tragedy. I get out of bed because Ethan would want me to. I get out of bed because I have Grant and an amazing husband that need me. I get out of bed because I have friends and family that love me. I get out of bed because I have the greatest friends in the world. I get out of bed because I have a lot of living to do. This is on our refrigerator and I read it several times a day...
live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
- mary anne radmacher
Thank you all for praying for and loving us as we journey through life without E. We are all better people because of an amazing blonde hair, blue eyed angel that will live in our hearts forever.
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