Another month...

4 months. 4 months. I can't believe today it has been 4 months since we lost E. In the last 9 months, I have lost my job, lost my son, and given birth. I still have a hard time comprehending all of that. I am starting to feel as if this "cloud" is lifting some, that instead of being in survival mode that I am actually able to function more. A new "normal" is very, very slowly beginning to emerge. I feel as if I am a completely different person, physically (2 kids later) and emotionally...yet I have the same name.

I have a hard time envisioning what the future will bring. I was planning on starting to look for a part-time job. Ethan was to start "school" next week. Now...well obviously E won't be starting "school" and as for me looking for a job, that isn't going to happen right now and I don't know if it ever will. The worst calls for me as a medic were pediatric cardiac arrest calls. I cried over children that I never knew, re-played every one of these calls wondering why? what could I have done differently? I never dreamed that I would someday be on BOTH sides of this call...that I would be the grieving parent and the paramedic trying to save my own son. I fear that when my next pediatric code came that I would re-live my "call" with Ethan..and I would be with new co-workers that wouldn't know how to help me through it. I worked with the greatest people in Ocala, they were my "family". I have packed away most of my work stuff. My career, a job I truly loved and was passionate about, may very well and probably is over, but the blessing is that right now I don't have to make a decision. I can pack my things away, enjoy my family and my life long career as a mom... and trust that God is in control of what will happen. God has taken my life many, many times down roads that I initially didn't want to travel on, but ultimately I am grateful for the experiences and scenery down that road.

Now that this "cloud" is lifting some... please, please forgive me if I didn't respond to an email, message, or phone call from you. I really do appreciate ALL of the support and love that has been shown towards us...many of these random acts of kindness have come on a day that I truly needed to know that someone thought of and loves me. I am getting much, much better at answering messages so please feel free to try again if you didn't hear back from me.

Thank you all for loving and praying for me as I travel down this bumpy road. Mommy loves you, Ethan and I miss and think of you every minute of every day, you are always in my heart.