Meals on Wheels

I had to write a post to thank all who have delivered a meal to us since April. In all we have had almost 40 meals brought to our house, and countless others who have taken us out for lunch and/or dinner. I can't even begin to put into words how much this has meant to us. Without cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping we have had time together as a family...to grieve, to find a new "normal", to bond with Grant. A few weeks ago I went to Publix to grocery shop for the first time. I couldn't believe how overwhelming it was (seeing E's favorite shopping carts, walking past the items that I would stop and get for E, etc.), truly every place I go is filled with memories of him. Well yesterday Grant and I went to Publix; he cooed, laughed, and smiled...we are making our own memories!

So again, my many thanks to everyone who took the time to bring us a meal (or two) for many, many reasons you have all touched and blessed our lives!

Vikings....uck!

Well with all the talk of our beloved Minnesota Vikings signing Brett Farve (uck, uck!) yesterday, I remembered a great E story that was worth sharing. Jake's parents are huge Green Bay Packer fans. Last year for Christmas they gave E a Green Bay Packer sweatshirt. After he opened it, Jake's mom wanted him to put it on to take a picture, but he flat out refused!! He was screaming and pulling it off...we never did get a picture! The above pictures however are from his 2nd b-day party with his friends where he is proudly wearing a MN Vikings shirt! Man I love that kid...what a great sense of humor he had!

P.S. What to do? I don't know if I can honestly cheer for the Vikings...I mean seriously, Brett Farve! That is just wrong, wrong! So now who do I pick...I've always secretly cheered for the Jags. I think the Titans are pretty cool as well...maybe I will have to temporarily suspend my Vikings cheering for this season (God knows Brett will be "retired" again next year)!

E at work

We are currently in Nashville. Jake had to come up here for a conference, so Grant and I came with.

I maybe crazy (as a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that I am), but this morning I watched Ethan work a miracle and it was amazing. Grant and I went down for breakfast at the hotel restaurant. It is a fairly fancy place, everyone there was dressed in business attire and Grant was the ONLY child in the place. We were seated next to this table of 4 guys, all dressed in business suits. This one guy looked over at me and I saw that "look" of "great, I am seated next to a woman with a baby". Grant was quite happy through breakfast, but was also fairly loud with his laughing and squealing. Towards the end of my meal the guy that had glared at us, got up and left the restaurant. I was finishing up waiting on our waiter to bring me the bill, when the guy came back into the restaurant. He came over to me and asked how old Grant was. He then proceeded to tell me that he had a 10 month old at home. He said he was so sorry to even admit this, but he travels a lot for business and is always glad to leave his son behind because he is a very difficult baby. He said "watching you with your son, made me miss him and my wife so much that I just stepped outside, cancelled the rest of my trip, and changed my flight home to tonight instead of Friday". With tears in his eyes he said "I have never done that before, and I don't even know why I am telling you this". Of course that made me cry as well. I then told him about E, which of course gave us both goosebumps. We sat and chatted for awhile as he told me all about his wife and little boy named "Gavin" (which is what we were going to name Grant)...even showed me pictures. When he left he said "God bless you and your two angels, safe tavels home". Chris, safe travels home to your beautiful wife and Gavin, may you cherish everyday!

E you truly are an angel and amaze me everyday. I am so blessed to be your mother!

Another month...

4 months. 4 months. I can't believe today it has been 4 months since we lost E. In the last 9 months, I have lost my job, lost my son, and given birth. I still have a hard time comprehending all of that. I am starting to feel as if this "cloud" is lifting some, that instead of being in survival mode that I am actually able to function more. A new "normal" is very, very slowly beginning to emerge. I feel as if I am a completely different person, physically (2 kids later) and emotionally...yet I have the same name.

I have a hard time envisioning what the future will bring. I was planning on starting to look for a part-time job. Ethan was to start "school" next week. Now...well obviously E won't be starting "school" and as for me looking for a job, that isn't going to happen right now and I don't know if it ever will. The worst calls for me as a medic were pediatric cardiac arrest calls. I cried over children that I never knew, re-played every one of these calls wondering why? what could I have done differently? I never dreamed that I would someday be on BOTH sides of this call...that I would be the grieving parent and the paramedic trying to save my own son. I fear that when my next pediatric code came that I would re-live my "call" with Ethan..and I would be with new co-workers that wouldn't know how to help me through it. I worked with the greatest people in Ocala, they were my "family". I have packed away most of my work stuff. My career, a job I truly loved and was passionate about, may very well and probably is over, but the blessing is that right now I don't have to make a decision. I can pack my things away, enjoy my family and my life long career as a mom... and trust that God is in control of what will happen. God has taken my life many, many times down roads that I initially didn't want to travel on, but ultimately I am grateful for the experiences and scenery down that road.

Now that this "cloud" is lifting some... please, please forgive me if I didn't respond to an email, message, or phone call from you. I really do appreciate ALL of the support and love that has been shown towards us...many of these random acts of kindness have come on a day that I truly needed to know that someone thought of and loves me. I am getting much, much better at answering messages so please feel free to try again if you didn't hear back from me.

Thank you all for loving and praying for me as I travel down this bumpy road. Mommy loves you, Ethan and I miss and think of you every minute of every day, you are always in my heart.

Locks of Love!

I have wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love for a long time, well that day has come! Today I chopped my hair and will be sending it to Locks of Love this week! It brings joy to my soul to be able to help other people. I am looking forward to growing out my hair again!

Zzzzzzz!

Grant is an absolute super sleeper! Until last night he has slept completely through the night from like 8:30pm until around 7am. Last night he was up once around 3am and only for like 20 minutes. He also naps!! That is such a foreign concept to me to have a child that NAPS! Super G is definitely a thumb sucker, it is so adorable (probably won't be later, but I will worry about that then). Visken and Suzie sure seem to like him and I had to laugh this morning, both of them had been going in to check on him.

Grant's Bathroom

Jake's mom is now retired! What a blessing it was to have her come down for a few days to help with some home improvement projects. One of the projects I have wanted to do for a long, long time (like 5 years) is the spare bathroom (Grant's bathroom). Above is the before pic and below is the after. I still have some projects in there to finish, but I'm already loving it! My next goals for Grant's bathroom is to display some of our niece, Samantha's artwork and get a few accessories and window treatment. I can't wait to see it all put together!

P.S. Thanks Beth for scrubbing all that icky wallpaper off!