Another month...

4 months. 4 months. I can't believe today it has been 4 months since we lost E. In the last 9 months, I have lost my job, lost my son, and given birth. I still have a hard time comprehending all of that. I am starting to feel as if this "cloud" is lifting some, that instead of being in survival mode that I am actually able to function more. A new "normal" is very, very slowly beginning to emerge. I feel as if I am a completely different person, physically (2 kids later) and emotionally...yet I have the same name.

I have a hard time envisioning what the future will bring. I was planning on starting to look for a part-time job. Ethan was to start "school" next week. Now...well obviously E won't be starting "school" and as for me looking for a job, that isn't going to happen right now and I don't know if it ever will. The worst calls for me as a medic were pediatric cardiac arrest calls. I cried over children that I never knew, re-played every one of these calls wondering why? what could I have done differently? I never dreamed that I would someday be on BOTH sides of this call...that I would be the grieving parent and the paramedic trying to save my own son. I fear that when my next pediatric code came that I would re-live my "call" with Ethan..and I would be with new co-workers that wouldn't know how to help me through it. I worked with the greatest people in Ocala, they were my "family". I have packed away most of my work stuff. My career, a job I truly loved and was passionate about, may very well and probably is over, but the blessing is that right now I don't have to make a decision. I can pack my things away, enjoy my family and my life long career as a mom... and trust that God is in control of what will happen. God has taken my life many, many times down roads that I initially didn't want to travel on, but ultimately I am grateful for the experiences and scenery down that road.

Now that this "cloud" is lifting some... please, please forgive me if I didn't respond to an email, message, or phone call from you. I really do appreciate ALL of the support and love that has been shown towards us...many of these random acts of kindness have come on a day that I truly needed to know that someone thought of and loves me. I am getting much, much better at answering messages so please feel free to try again if you didn't hear back from me.

Thank you all for loving and praying for me as I travel down this bumpy road. Mommy loves you, Ethan and I miss and think of you every minute of every day, you are always in my heart.

Locks of Love!

I have wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love for a long time, well that day has come! Today I chopped my hair and will be sending it to Locks of Love this week! It brings joy to my soul to be able to help other people. I am looking forward to growing out my hair again!

Zzzzzzz!

Grant is an absolute super sleeper! Until last night he has slept completely through the night from like 8:30pm until around 7am. Last night he was up once around 3am and only for like 20 minutes. He also naps!! That is such a foreign concept to me to have a child that NAPS! Super G is definitely a thumb sucker, it is so adorable (probably won't be later, but I will worry about that then). Visken and Suzie sure seem to like him and I had to laugh this morning, both of them had been going in to check on him.

Grant's Bathroom

Jake's mom is now retired! What a blessing it was to have her come down for a few days to help with some home improvement projects. One of the projects I have wanted to do for a long, long time (like 5 years) is the spare bathroom (Grant's bathroom). Above is the before pic and below is the after. I still have some projects in there to finish, but I'm already loving it! My next goals for Grant's bathroom is to display some of our niece, Samantha's artwork and get a few accessories and window treatment. I can't wait to see it all put together!

P.S. Thanks Beth for scrubbing all that icky wallpaper off!

:-)

My new trainer kicked my butt pretty good on Wednesday, so that night I thought I should probably take a good warm bath. Well approximately 10 minutes into my bath Jake enters the room and asks "if an outfit is covered in poop up to the arm pits is it worth saving or should I cut it off?". Well needless to say my bath came to an end, but I did manage to save the outfit! :-)

Hug

Grant and I went to playgroup on Tuesday at my friend, Ruth's house. Ruth has an adorable little boy named, Liam (who is the same age of Ethan). Liam is just an incredible child. I think Ethan had a vocabulary of about 20 words when Liam was asking his mom things like "where does the water go when it goes down the drain?". One of the things he asked Ruth after Ethan died was if he was ever going to see me again. So when Ruth invited us to playgroup I felt it necessary that I attend. This was the second time that I have seen Ethan's friends, but the first time that I have seen Liam since loosing E. When we arrived Liam was wearing a Wisconsin Badger t-shirt. Ruth and Liam had just gotten home from a trip to Madison to visit friends. I immediately thought of Ethan wearing his Badger sweatshirt that he got from his friend, Zack. We hung out and had a great time visiting with friends. I was very comfortable and so glad I was there. Grant and I got ready to leave after about an hour visit, so we could head over to the luncheon at the hospital. Liam walked us to the door and at first expressed concern that we were leaving so soon and that we were going to get wet (it was raining out). Then looked at me with the most beautiful smile and said "hug". E many times a day would come up to me and with the most beautiful smile he would say "hug". It was if for a brief moment in time I saw E in Liam. Thanks for the hug, Liam! I am so blessed to have you in my life!

Help

Anyone who truly knows me knows that one of the most difficult things in the world for me to do is to ask for help. Almost three months ago now God placed me in a situation where I had no choice, but to ask for help. Don't get me wrong I am still not great at asking, but I am definitely getting better about communicating my needs. The help we have been given is incredible and when I stop to think about all the wonderful things that people have done for us, it brings me tears of joy. Because of this help I have been able to take care of myself and Grant. I have had time to spend with Jake to work on finding a new "normal" for our family, our marriage, our lives. I have had time to grieve in my own way on my own terms.

Yesterday in the mail came my monthly MOPS magazine and in it was an article on how to help a friend in need. After everything that has happened it intrigued me, because sometimes I have a hard time putting into words just exactly what I "need". I thought I would share some of the things that were in the article.

* Be consistently and gently present. She may not know what she needs, but if you're in touch you'll find out. (A text message, phone call, email, card, etc. means so very much, it lets us know that someone is thinking of us and keeping us close to their heart.)

*Encourage her to share. A grieving friend will not be sadder if you talk about her loss.

*Depression requires patience and encouragement. Listen intently. Invite her for walks...out to coffee or a trip to the gym.

* Practical help is a lifesaver. Trusted child care, a meal- lightening her load might enable your friend to focus better.

*Be sensitive.

*Pray, pray, pray!

I hate asking for help, but know that I definitely still and always will from time to time need at least a little help because I am human. We have the greatest family and friends in the world, thank you all for walking along side of us...for your help, love, and prayers! I knew we were loved, but never realized just how much.